BEING ALONE TOGETHER!
By Dr. James D. Allen
I have noticed that many of the couples I joined in holy matrimony are celebrating 13 years and even 42 years of marriage. In our area, 32 years and down. I have seen on Facebook several celebrating in the teens and twenties. Debbie and I will celebrate 50 years this month. (Yes, we were teenagers when we married. Far more mature back in the day 😊) We have lived on 3 continents in 3 countries and several states in our country. I have preached on 5 continents and in many countries. We have been blessed and continue to be blessed!
I mostly presided over weddings that related to the churches I was privileged to pastor. I want to address the couples I joined in matrimony who are entering or nearing the 20th anniversary. (Others may listen in.) I have counseled hundreds of couples and think I may have some advice to help you as you move into a critical decade of marriage. I say critical because this is a crucial decade for marriages at or approaching the 20th Anniversary. The foundation you build now will influence your empty nest and retirement relationship.
The next decade will present you with some unique challenges. I know, I am speaking in general terms since life has a way of surprising us for the good or the bad. I have had life surprise me in an extremely negative way and in incredibly positive ways. Life for the most part should be joyful and punctuated by sorrow; however, a life full of sorrow and only punctuated by joy, is a difficult life indeed. So, wherever you are, some general advice as you approach your 20th anniversary.
The next 10 years pose some stressful challenges on you as a couple. Even the good things can be stressful.
• High School. If you have children, they most likely will graduate this decade. The stress of guiding teens is not inconsequential. I could give advice here; however, the point of this blog is to address you as a couple.
• College or Career. You will prepare to launch your fledglings into the world without your oversight. This is a fearful time.
• Children may get married during this decade. This is a time of joy and sometimes bewilderment. Why did he choose her/him? I like her. I do not. I like him. I do not. Or there could be great joy in your child’s choice of a spouse. Either way this is another stressor during this decade.
• Great grandparents, grandparents, and perhaps parents may die or become unable to care for themselves during this decade. This will be extremely stressful and will affect the entire family.
• Career stress for the major breadwinner, regardless of which spouse is in that role, will increase. It could be stress for the couple as cooperative bread winners. Either way, this is the time careers blossom or plateau.
• Yes, there are other stressors like mortgage, bills, etc.
Wow, Pastor, thanks for the encouragement!
I am trying to paint the realistic picture and to hear you say: Wow. That is a lot. How do we as a couple navigate this and continue to grow closer and more in love day by day?
That is the question I want you to ask and to talk about as a couple!
How do we as a couple navigate this and continue to grow closer and more in love day by day?
Okay, here is some advice. I am only going to trouble you with 3 pieces of advice and some observations.
1. Increase your communication with one another. Not only increase but use this blog as a starter. Talk. Listen. Adjust. Love. Continue being the Church. Your family unit, and specifically your marriage represents the Church. It is a mystery. Paul says in Ephesians 5
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (NIV)
In addition, use Ephesians 5:1-20 as a guide for living (incredibly challenging for all of us) and Ephesians 5:21-33 as a guide for the marriage.
2. BE ALONE TOGETHER! Understand that focus around the children does not decrease but may increase during this period. You must schedule, make a priority, for time together alone! Without the kids. This is vital. Children are asking for more, careers are asking for more, and you only have so much to give. Make it a priority to create spaces to be alone together. Dates. Get away weekends. Staycation. Send the kids to the grands! Continue to grow together in mind, spirit, and body. This will not happen if you do not plan it. Do it!! Grow in intimacy physically and intellectually. Communicate!! PRIORITY.
3. Guard yourself. Being tired and feeling unappreciated by your spouse is a dangerous place to be. Get it taken care of by communicating. Do not discuss your marriage with an acquaintance of the opposite sex. Do not discuss another’s marriage with the opposite sex. This is a trap! Some intend to use it as a trap! Do not ever go there! I could fill a page with a list from my counseling that fell for this. It begins like this:
a. Do you have a minute? You and your husband seem to have a great relationship. How does your husband do it? I would like to learn more.
b. OR. You seem to be so great to your wife. I wish my husband could learn from you.
c. OR. I had a dream you were my spouse. Wonder where that came from? Or some variant of this story.
d. OR. I need some advice on my marriage. I need to meet with you after work on this paper. I need to meet you, etc.
4. Some additional thoughts:
a. God did not remove our sex drive or hormones when we became Christians.
b. No one is beyond temptation.
c. Sexual union is indeed a mystery of the church, but it is integrated with biology.
d. Infidelity is usually the result of a lack of physical and intellectual alone time.
e. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate!
To every couple I married and every couple heading toward this decade, take it to heart. Talk about it. I loved the couples I married. I love seeing your children growing up. Most of all, I love seeing you grow in Christ and your love for one another. It is my prayer that your next decade will have a plan for dating, get aways, and that BEING ALONE TOGETHER, will be a thing!!!
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Dr. James D Allen
Dr. Allen served as a seminary VP, pastor, and as a trustee on a Christian mental health Board. He has earned a BA, MA, MA Biblical Counseling, Doctor of Ministry. Dr Allen has also preached on 5 continents, lived in 3 nations, and so has a diverse Christian experience. He has a distinguished career of being a pastor, consultant, author, and educator. MY FIRST LOVE--Being a Pastor and encouraging others!