Boundaries

Are there people in your life that cause you nothing but grief? People who raise your anxiety level or leave you depressed? Are there people who suck the life out of you? Let me ask you, why do you keep giving them a straw? You provide them with the straw to always answer yes. You give them the straw to say what they want about you. You give them the straw to criticize you in any way they like. You give them the straw; you get the idea.  

Here is my question:  Why do you keep handing them straws? I mean, why allow them to suck the life out of you. Now I understand the rearing of children, assisting an elderly parent, or creating a space for the challenging person; however, there are even ways to decrease that stress. Finding help, time off

Let’s start with six questions for you to answer. 

1. Do you feel inferior to others?
2. Do you believe your opinions are not valuable?
3. Do you have a difficult time saying NO?
4. Do you depend on others’ opinions about yourself?
5. Do you accept and even expect disrespect from others?
6. Do you fear being rejected?

First, if you tried to create essays out of these questions—you may have some self-esteem issues. All the questions are yes or no. The more you answered yes, the more likely you provide people with plenty of straws. Your lack of confidence in yourself creates a need to be accepted, and you may often give too much of yourself. You need to find some friends who lift you up, encourage you, value you and love you.

You need to understand your value upon this earth. There is only one of you! You have unique fingerprints, DNA, and a unique personality. You are God’s creation, not an accident and not an afterthought. You have a place in His creation, and you are valuable.

You will never be able to please everyone, and you should not even be trying to do so. There are some people who just won’t be positive. They have decided that the way to protect their fragile ego is to blame others, criticize others, be a belligerent pest, and never be at peace with others. Paul said in Romans, If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Can I just say, I have met people that this is impossible! Walking away may be all you can do. Even the Apostle Paul had a person in a congregation that caused him tremendous trouble. Paul states:

Alexander, the metalworker, did me much harm. May the Lord repay him according to his works. Now I don’t think Paul was saying—send him blessings, Oh Lord. No, Paul was saying, Lord, I can’t handle him or get along. You need to take care of him!

All of us in our lifetime have had people who needed Extra Grace. They are EGR folks. Extra Grace Required to deal with them. Now, we don’t want to abandon these people, but we need to understand our limits. When I first started as a pastor in a church, I handed out jumbo straws to people. Some of those people required Extra Grace to deal with them. At 28 and a young lead pastor, I learned within six months; I had to use the word no. I trained myself to use no, to protect myself and my family. When you have a drunk come knocking at your door at 3 a.m., you know you have no boundaries. My compassion and desire to help people flooded the river, and it overflowed the banks and ran into the parsonage. No was not popular; however, it was necessary.
If we are to have any kind of peace in life, we all need boundaries. We need intellectual boundaries, sexual boundaries, work boundaries, and you get the picture.

Let’s talk about some starting boundaries. I have reframed these items found in the article  Setting Emotional Boundaries in Relationships

By Stephanie Camins—MA, LPC

1. Say no – without guilt. It is a magical word.
2. Say yes – to help others, but limits are possible and often necessary.
3. Don’t overcommit. You need time for yourself and your family. People will put on you more than you can bear. Busy and kind people, like you, are easier to get to say yes, than most others. Until you say no, there is no reason to find more help.
4. If you are uncomfortable with how you are being treated, speak up. Take away the straw!
5. Drop the guilt and responsibility for others.
6. Share personal information gradually and in a mutual way (give and take).

As Christians, we are often called to sacrifice time and convenience to help others, and this we must do. We need to be compassionate, but we also need to be good stewards of our mind and body? If you must work with or minister to those needing extra Grace, you need to limit the time, limit the people, and make sure you are spiritually healthy. You are no good to family, self, or others if you collapse in a pile of emotions. Think of boundaries as protection for you and your family. Delegate tasks. Limit time.

Listen, don’t let people guilt you with the word:  But you are a Christian, you must. . ..  Even Jesus pulled away from the crowds to rest. Even Jesus told the disciples:  If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet. 

Perhaps we will need to return to this topic and discuss it more. Let me know. My purpose is to get you thinking about your mental and emotional health. Remember S.O.S.—You have some control over the Situation, no control over Others, and most control over Self, concentrate on self, and you will help others. This week don’t let the life be sucked out of you. Stop passing out straws. God bless you.