An Audit of Adultery–Part One

Paradigm

I have been in ministry for over fifty years and served as a pastor/counselor at the local level and for a time at a state level for over 40 years. During this time, I have met with a lot of couples who faced the heartache of adultery. I have counseled, most of the time, with an eye toward reconciliation. I say most of the time because I have affirmed divorce was the proper course due to extraordinary circumstances. Often, these circumstances had to do with violence and fear for the lives of the spouse and children. These couples represented a small percentage of couples. It is encouraging to note that many of the marriages survived by God’s grace.

I don’t have to persuade you about the damage done to spouses, children, families, friends, churches, and others as a result of adultery. We all have seen it. I have taught a series, primarily for men, on the nature of adultery and the damage it does to homes. We talked explicitly about this subject, and those who attended could verify this. I say this to let you know this is not a series. I can’t say it all, and I couldn’t say everything in a blog due to the sensitive nature of the material covered. This is instead a brief look at how most of the relationships led to adultery.  It is me, as a pastor/counselor, looking back and asking: What things are common among nearly all of these occurrences? In other words, it is an autopsy of adultery.

This is not about the motivation, excuses, or reasons given by the unfaithful spouse. The excuses and reasons could fill a small paperback. Since Adam and Eve, men and women have tried to shift blame on another. In Eve’s case, blaming the serpent. In Adam’s case, blaming Eve. Even more, insinuating it was God’s fault by blaming the woman you put here with me.

Ground Rules

Before we continue, let me describe the ground rules and my intention.

• When we came to Jesus, our hormones and sexual desires were not removed.
• The sexual relationship is intended for a man and a woman as husband and wife.
• Good Christians fail, primarily by ignoring the warning signs.
• Forgiveness is always available, even though reconciliation is not always achieved.
• I have counseled in four churches, two states, three institutions, and three countries on three continents, so don’t try to identify in your mind a specific couple. As a matter of fact, this blog indicates the similarities between them all.
• The purpose of this is not to condemn, but to give you as couples an opportunity to discuss these things together.
• The steps toward adultery that I refer to and have generated are finite and don’t take in many nuances and circumstances that occur in a relationship; they are, I have found, generally sound and present in most of the cases presented to me.
• As some of you know, as a pastor, I sometimes called people in to discuss things I was seeing in relationships—not to condemn but to warn. Most of the time, these warnings were heeded. When they were not heeded, the couple usually left the church.
• This is not intended to encourage doubt or an investigative attitude toward your spouse, but like the warning track in baseball, it lets you know when you are about to run into the wall.
• With these ground rules set, let’s begin.

Flirting

As I begin to think about the cases brought to me for help, this is nearly always the first step. Nearly all of us want to be found attractive or at least satisfactory to our peers. Men hold their stomachs in when a pretty woman passes. Women may fling their hair or strike a pose. For the most part, we take care of our personal appearance. Flirting is often considered harmless behavior until it is not. Nearly all of the spouses involved in adultery had a common routine in which the other person was involved. That is, they belonged to or attended the same gym, church, coffee club, book club, social media hub, place of employment, or other space where they saw one another or interacted with one another on a regular basis. The additional nuance today is social media, including texting. (BTW, in my view, your spouse should not snoop on your phone; however, they should have your password.) I have counseled a lot of people inside and outside of the churches where I was pastor, and so not all were confessing Christians.

Most of the flirting began in innocent ways and benign ways. A comment about clothing, hair, perfume, cologne, shoes, or other common compliments. Another familiar strand was one of them really needed the compliment and, over time, responded in a suggestive manner. It is here that decisions are made. Once there is a sexually toned response in a word or action, you are on the warning track. Adultery doesn’t begin with the act; it begins in the heart. This is why Jesus warns us about our thinking in this area. Jesus states in Matthew 5: 27,28: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart, (NIV).

Texting and social media have added an entirely different flirting arena. Since texting is done privately and in a relatively unseen world, suggestive conversations seem to accelerate beyond what might occur face-to-face. Here again, we don’t need to snoop on our spouse’s phone; however, they should have our password. We all know of homes that have been destroyed because of social media interaction. Texts seem to have begun in many cases with suggestive statements such as:

• I have been dreaming about you.
• I have been having very sexual dreams about you.
• You always seem to know what to say to me.
• When I am around you, I feel so good.
• I wish my spouse was more like you.

These statements led to more suggestive and sexually overt statements until, eventually, the next stage was set.

Jesus states in Matthew 5: 27,28: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart, (NIV).

Fixation

This stage obviously overlaps the first stage and may even precede flirting and be the motivation for flirting. I use the term fixation in much the same way as we would use sexual fantasy, imagination, or obsession. In nearly every case, one of the spouses became fascinated and fixed on someone other than their own spouse. Here are some of the comments that I often heard in counseling regarding this stage:

• He just created such hope in me.
• I don’t know; there was this chemistry that I had never experienced.
• She understands me and listens to me.
• He understands me and treats me as an equal.
• I don’t know. I was attracted to her when we met.
• If my wife would only ­­­____, _____, _____.
• If my husband would only ____, ____, ____.
• I don’t think my spouse would notice or care.
• Well, he/she had an affair.
• And more than enough to fill a small paperback.

This fixation grows to the point where the words of Jesus become alarmingly true in their life. Lust begins to take over the mind. The excuses for the lust begin to sound reasonable. The excuses begin with phrases such as I deserve, if only my spouse, I can’t help it, I am only human, and God will forgive me. The lust becomes so fixated that, in private, the mind generates many scenarios of adulterous activity. Soon, that private desire begins to be revealed more and more to the person until many around them sense the obvious. At this point, the stage is almost completely set. There is still time to turn back, but it will be more difficult.  The enemy of our souls prepares one more stage for the couples I counseled, and this is the last chance to flee.

The blog is continued in Part 2.

Dr. James D. Allen

Overflowinghope180.com