The “If-Onlys” of Life

This is the first stanza of a poem I wrote this week:

If-only haunts us when a loss occurs. Regardless of how many things we did right, we will come up with hundreds of things we did wrong or should have done—the if onlys drove me to deep depression when we lost our daughter in a car wreck. Notice I said it drove me; it was not a subtle leading or subtle drawing: No, it pushed me, shoved me, pressed me, bullied me, squeezed me, corralled me, caged me, tormented me, into a spiral of depression. The if-onlys are not logical, not reasonable, and often not even intelligible. They are usually private questions that gnaw at our souls and bleed out hope. They frequently withstand our logic and our intellect. They bypass it all, corrode the heart, and erode any hope.

Listen, even if you did your best, did all you could, exceeded expectations, and did everything 100% correctly, if-onlys still come. Pardon me if you are not a football fan, but let me share a good example from Monday Night Football this week: Bengals vs Cowboys. With two minutes left, the game is tied. Dallas has put up a great defense, and the Bengals are preparing to punt. It is 4^th and 27. Wow!  The Cowboys did it all right. The ball is snapped, and the punter’s kick is blocked; it moves down the field and is touched by a Cowboy, and the Bengals recover. As a result of Dallas doing it all right and blocking the punt, they lost the game! If only there had been no block. If only it had not touched a Cowboy player. If only….

(If you want to see that play, the link is at the end of the article.)

All I am trying to do is help you understand that the if-onlys are universal. Listen to some of my distorted if-onlys at my daughter’s death. If only I had talked to her longer at the ice cream shop. If only I had asked to go with her. If only I had bought her a large SUV. If only I had taken the position in Columbus. If only I had taken the position in Akron. If-onlys drove me into a spiral, and it took me all of two years to come back out. What is terrible and debilitating about if-onlys is that we can’t go back and change history, so we are left totally helpless. So, if-onlys drive us into guilt, condemnation, and ultimately depression. You may as well try to count how many grains of sand there are on a beach as to figure out the if-onlys.

So where is the solution, the healing, the redemption to be found for your and my if-onlys? The only one that can change yesterday is Jesus. The consequences may remain, but He offers forgiveness, peace, and an acceptance of a history we cannot change. A history that can’t be changed but can be accepted, reinterpreted, and redeemed. Acceptance and forgiveness of self and others leads to a reordering of things, a new perception of the past. Only Jesus can do this.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷ Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (I Peter 5:6,7, NIV)

Trust Him,

Dr. James D. Allen

Overflowiinghope180.org

The Bengals and Cowboys blocked punt link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3rWeIZJm18