The Myth of Closure: Embracing the Infinite Journey of Grief

Part One

As I begin this post, I ask you to pray for me as I work on a book about the loss of our daughter. I have started and stopped writing it so many times that I have lost count. I believe God has graced me with the strength to finish it.  It will be a book for me to bring further healing through the writing process, but most importantly, it will be a book for you who are inundated by grief or minister to those who grieve. I am not ignoring my family and their stories; I can only share mine. As promised in the video, I want to talk about the closure myth now and how it affected me and many others to whom I have ministered.

Let me first give you my interpretation of closure, which was formed by my academic training, experience ministering to others, and my internal struggles.

Closure is a mythical term created and used by the untraumatized or delusional to ease their feelings of discomfort when dealing with the pain of others. It is a myth that perpetuates a false hope of a finish line rather than declaring the truth of an endless journey. There is no finish line in the loss of a child or many other traumatic events, but only an infinite journey of adaptation, adjustment, and dependence on the grace of God. Actual closure will only come when we are all united in heaven. Dr. James D. Allen, 2024

Closure is for your friends and others who want to see you move forward with your life, pack your bags, and move on emotionally. They may have suffered a similar loss but fail to account for personalities that are not similar. Grieving is not a one-size-fits-all experience.

I was a guest speaker at a large church and shared my story of loss. I was transparent and didn’t hide the pain, confusion, doubt, and depression from the people. At the end of the message, I called people who were suffering from grief, especially the loss of a child, to come forward for prayer. The pastor and I estimated that 400 or more came forward in the two services. Here is what I heard:

• This is the first time I have felt free to ask for prayer for my bipolar disorder.
• I lost my child twenty years ago, and the pain is still here.
• I lost my child five years ago, and people think I should be over it.
• I sometimes feel like I am going crazy due to the grief.
• I lost my child one year ago, and people think I should be moving on.
• I just lost my son last week.

The pain in that room and around that stage was almost tangible, and so was the relief.

The victory was that parents were permitted to continue the healing journey by processing the grief by grieving. The adage Move on and get over it. It has been long enough, so get out and live, and all the other useless statements only delay the healing process. It is an interesting fact that the only solution to continual healing is continuing to process the loss and grief. Please understand that I am not talking about rumination or an unhealthy focus on mental distress, but rather a healthy processing of memories, good times, the loss, and the continued life to be enjoyed. Not a stuffing of emotions in the hidden closet of the soul where they will only surface in other areas of your life, both physically and emotionally.

Some identifiable stages in grief are well-researched; however, even here, progress through the stages is not like rank in the army, the multiplication table, or the recitation of five bold statements to overcome grief. It is a mysterious, known, objective, subjective, personal, communal, in order, out of order, back and forth, up and down, and very messy journey. Yes, there are some unhealthy issues at times in grieving, but most reactions to grief can all be classified as within the range of normal behavior.

I have often been asked if the pain or emptiness ever goes away, and I have been honest and said no. It doesn’t go away; however, for most of us, there comes a time when the pain is not as sharp all the time, and good memories are enjoyed and bring smiles.

As in complete healing, closure will not come until we are united with Christ in eternity. Until then, we walk by faith, knowing that the God of love and peace is with us and Jesus is waiting at the finish line.

Next time, we will discuss some of the unhelpful things Christians say and what Paul has to say about suffering.

Please read this passage and consider what Paul is saying. We will discuss it next week or at least start!

Now I rejoice in what I am suffering for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. Colossians 1:24, NIV.

Have a blessed week.

Dr. James D. Allen

Overflowinghope180.com